INBORN SELF-RESPECT AND CONFIDENCE
There are many different definitions of self-respect. In principle self-respect is having confidence, trust and faith in oneself, as well as behaving with dignity and grace in life situations. The self-respect and self-confidence naturally exists within us and we are born with it. The famous UK therapist Marissa Pears illustrates this with babies having no problem with asking for their needs to be met. However, life events and social conditioning sooner or later challenges our inborn confidence. Whether it is the later traumas, limiting beliefs or failures, our confidence gets shaken starting with childhood years. We may also fall into trap of competing or comparing ourselves with others. Comparing is never a winning game as there will be always someone smarter, richer or more competent in certain areas. On the other hand, we all have unique set of gifts and every comparison is unnecessary. The only way to be confident is to bring conscious decision to self-respect, as well as to remain focused on our higher nature and unique virtues, being fine with our own limits and imperfections.
IMPORTANCE OF SELF-RESPECT
Russian Psychologist Mihail Labkovski views self-respect as more important than any other personality trait. Namely, a doctor-of-science without self-respect may be viewed as a “looser”. Of course, self-respect needs to be backed with a real skillset. However, one cannot obtain the right skillset, if not firstly finding himself/herself wordy of it. We cannot enjoy both the inner and outer successes and personal growth without having self-respect first. It is impossible get respect from others if we do not value ourselves. Standing up for oneself consistently, own feelings and values is the way to build self-respect. There is a decision what to tolerate and setting of boundaries is part of practicing self-respect.
PEOPLE WITH HIGH SELF-RESPECT
Who are the people with high self-respect and what are the values and features these people embody? Shortly the people with high self-respect often search for new experiences and chose higher goals for themselves. High self-respect means responding to diverse requests in private and professional sphere, The people with self-respect have more honest and direct communication with others. They look ahead because they know that all the power is in present moment. Wellbeing, supportive relationships, controlling emotions and thoughts all comes with the high self-respect.
RESPECT IS A TWO-WAY STREET
Our relationships mirror our reality. It all starts with relationship with ourselves. We cannot expect respect from others if we do not respect ourselves. Also, we cannot expect others to respect us if we do not respect them first. Even if we do not like some people, we still need to respect them. Focusing on the best in others helps, although it is not always an easy task. Why we happen to end up in violent or unsatisfying relationships. All these relates to issues of self-respect: if we think that we are miserable and not deserving of the good things in life, we attract the relationships that mirror this belief. On the other hand, the conscious decision to have harmonious respectful relationships, helps us not to give our energy out to toxic relationships, disliked behaviors and negative tendencies.
SELF-RESPECT COMES NATURALLY WHEN WE FOCUS ON OUR SOUL/SPIRIT/HIGHER SELF
Self-respect comes naturally from connecting with our divine nature. When we practice regular connecting with the Devine, we focus on “being spiritual creatures having a human experience”, not the other way around. By getting connected to the Creator/God/Universe (whatever supreme force you believe in), our relationships naturally originate from respect and love. In that way self – respect and respect for others comes automatically. The physical material world is a world of imperfection and limitation, however on spiritual terms all of us are unlimited divine beings wordy of respect. When we feel disempowered or disrespected, it is because we forgot who we really are. At the core, we all are divine and wordy of respect. I recently heard a good saying from a spiritual teacher: “Only spiritual, enlightened people may achieve happiness. The true happiness in material world is less possible, as material things get damaged, get broken or age and dissolve.”
EXPECT THE RESPECT!
The life coaches and therapists stress that it is very important to bring a conscious decision to expect the respect from others. We build and base own behavior and influence the behavior of others towards us around our expectations. Thus, starting to expect the respect from others soon becomes a reality. On the other hand, thinking that other people judge and disrespect us, is often not even the truth. Namely, people are mostly concerned with own problems and issues, and thinking that it is “all about us” is just another ego trip. Of course, we need to work on being respectable and deserving of respect as well. But there is that mirror reflection, and we do attract more respect when we decide we are wordy of it.
WHY BOOST THE SELF-RESPECT, NOT SELF-ESTEEM IN CHILDREN? (A REFERENCE TO PROFESSOR TONI NOBLE)
Self-esteem comes from satisfaction of doing something well, it is connected to our skill level and outward successful performance. The self-respect, on the other hand, is much deeper inner feeling originating from self-love, not the external validation. Thus, professor Toni Noble advises us to boost children’s self-respect, not self-esteem. Namely, self-esteem comes from personal satisfaction from successfully completing a task, doing something well. Unlike self-respect, self-esteem depends on the achieved results and perceptions. The self-respect, conversely, is more objective and inside oriented. It is the ability to see and accept our overall strengths and weaknesses, the positive experiences and failures, without losing the overall positive perspective. The high self-respect means being proud of who we are regardless of results, viewing mistakes and failures as valuable lessons.
Thus, Professor Toni Noble notes that a child can never have too much self-respect but may have exaggerated self-esteem. The overinflated self-esteem does not always lead to better performance in children, but can lead to narcissism, lack of empathy and bullying. Noble explains the self-respect in terms of five components: Self-knowledge (knowing own strengths and values), Self -Management(respecting clear moral values), Self-confidence (believing in own efforts and coping skills), Self-trust (trusting own judgements while valuing positive criticism), Self-protection (no one deserves to be bullied), and Respect for others(all behaviors reflect back to us). The modern boosting of kids’ self-esteem as well as helicopter parenting can backfire, as the perception of reality is not always a reality, Prof. Noble concludes.
[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWgvuOuZHfg Toni Noble, Build self-respect, not self esteem!
Re-published from blog Cokoholic