Re-published from blog Cokoholic
The boundaries are healthy loving limits in our lives that help us guard our hearts, energy and life in general. As psychologists explain we need to know where we end, and another person begins. Boundaries are very context specific and differ on kinds of relationships we are in. The therapist Julie Hanks describes boundaries as the space between individuals, like a good fence around a house. We do not want our boundaries too rigid so that no one can come close to us, neither we want them weak, so we become someone’s doormat. The sound boundaries to a person are like a good strong fence with proper doors to a house, Julie Hanks illustrates.
Why we need boundaries?
As kids we are born into this world with no boundaries, and the job of parents and caregivers is to help us shape them. Therefore, setting boundaries is something we learn and acquire by time. Clearly, we need to learn setting and preserving boundaries not only for own wellbeing and wellbeing of others, but also to preserve our professional and personal relationships. For instance, being scared to set boundaries at work can lead to accidents at work and burn out. On the other side, setting poor boundaries in personal relationships may lead to break ups, depression or nervous breakdowns.
We need boundaries since whenever we commit to doing something out of fear, obligation or guilt, no one wins. Overdoing, expectations and over-giving does not serve anyone, as it does not correct improper behaviors. Doing things for others which are not resonant with our true values, needs and being, would not be good for anyone in a long run.
The process of setting boundaries may be hard and painful at start, but it gets easier by practice. In a way we are doing something negative/unpleasant now, to get to the more positive later. For instance, rejecting someone’s overwhelming request may be uncomfortable at one moment, but may save disappointments later on.
By not setting boundaries when necessary, we also become part of the problem. If we do not set boundaries for ourselves and our children on when to sleep at night, for example, we may not be effective at work/school tomorrow. If we teach our children to guard their boundaries in general, they would be facing negative consequences in the future. The boundaries are there to protect us after all.
How to recognize broken boundaries?
The key answer to this question lies in our internal compass – our emotions. Whenever we do not feel good being/doing something, that means that our boundaries are broken. The therapist Patrick Doyle explains that the pain is the best indicator of broken boundaries. Sometimes, we ignore what our inner compass is saying, not to disappoint other people, face reality or criticism and so forth. Conversely, not tuning emotions out is the key, as feeling uncomfortable or hurtmeans that our boundaries need better setting. When you not sure about whether your boundaries are breached, it is good to involve a third, neutral and trusting person for an honest opinion.
Clearly self-knowledge and self-care are crucial for healthy relationships and help in discovering whether our personal boundaries are overstepped. The psychologist Sarri Gilman emphasizes that valuing oneself, self-care and doing things we like, helps us in establishing better boundaries with others.
Knowing our values helps in setting standards on what is tolerable for us. Having limited energyand time we spend on this planet, makes it important to know what we value the most. It is our task to protect what is important to us, as well as protect ourselves from what is toxic for our body, mind and soul. For instance, a firm standard that the abuse, drugs and alcohol addiction are not to be tolerated, should lead to avoiding relationships with abusive/ addictive partners.
How to set and preserve boundaries?
It is very important to accept that setting boundaries often feels unpleasant. Yet, knowing how to set boundaries despite feeling uncomfortable is the way to better relationships. The aim is to place boundaries firmly, without being hurtful to others. Setting boundaries sometimes momentarily hurts but does not harm people.
Being straightforward, but specific and respectable certainly helps. The clinical psychologist Henry Cloud stresses that good leaders set boundaries in a clear way, that is easy to respect and follow. Using generalization is not good for the boundary setting, as it often involves blaming and labeling. It is possible to be firm and kind at the same time, to communicate without offending the other person.
Timing also plays an important role. Not setting boundaries in a heated moment, pulling away from the situation helps us see things more clearly. Also, taking time to think things through journaling, writing our emotions down, as well as specifying reasons why hold a boundary in a first place. Often the good boundaries are not about cutting people out completely, but about limiting the access. Taking time out and contemplating allows us to define how much access people should have in our lives.
Sometimes setting boundaries can be as simple as “learning to say NO”. If saying no feels challenging for you, before committing to something take some time and think things through. Ask yourself whether your yes/no resonates with your inner child and spirit. Wellbeing and happiness comes from within, not from people pleasing. Acting from the heart is the most important, as the time of sacrifice is over.
Explain, define and stick to the consequences in case your boundaries are disregarded. For instance, do not simply order your child to do homework. Instead, explain the consequence of not doing so (embarrassment at school etc.). Without understanding the consequences, the people do not change behaviors. Do not let off boundary before person behaviorally proves to respect your boundary.
After being clear on our values, it is important to explain rather than express our standards continuously to others. The boundaries need regular reinforcement to be taken seriously. They need to be supported by our behavior and to be communicated clearly and with respect from the start. All this is much easier said and done, but with practice, intention and effort progress can be made.
Here are some tips for better success with boundaries:
Go the empathic road
Once you announce the issue and establish the meeting floor for discussing boundaries, try to take the empathic road whenever possible. Presenting your stands clearly but firmly, giving the arguments and justifying requirements with love, instead of getting hijacked by own emotions, is the best way to produce positive outcomes.
Handle violations and do not over-justify your boundaries
The famous Oprah suggests not to over – defend “our niceness” with hundred reasons and justifications. Practice determination in setting boundaries instead, and decide whether you will accept violations of boundaries. Be clear on treatments and behaviors that are unacceptable for you. Too much justification makes us lose credibility in own eyes, as well as in the eyes of others. If someone hurts our boundaries and we instantly react by defending ourselves or insulting the person, the relationships only further deteriorate. This is the time when we need to pull back and rethink our relationship, values and behavior. At times when our boundaries get seriously breached, we need to move from reactivity to responsiveness and communication, what is very challenging at moments of hurt and anger.
Stay accountable to own boundaries
To be credible, never set the boundaries you cannot hold, and do not go to extreme. Set realistic boundaries as you need to stick to them, otherwise you are losing your honor and authority. Avoid breaking your own set boundaries and standards. It can be easy to set a boundary in our minds, and not hold ourselves accountable to that boundary. Writing it down and having a supportive friend, or therapist to help us discuss it, may assists us in staying true to it.
People to let go off, or take distance from
One of hardest things is realization is that some people (including loved ones) will never respect our boundaries no matter what we do. The manipulative people, demanding and selfish persons are the most challenging to deal with. The therapist Patrick Doyle advices that it is impossible to have healthy relationships with certain individuals. Only, unhealthy individuals will continuously violate boundaries of others in the end. Sometimes we are required to make a difficult call of whether to continue relationships with people who do not respect boundaries, people who face us with unreasonable requests or suck us into own crazy reality.
It is possible to dismiss people without hatred. If it is about a family member, we may decide to love them from the distance or limit contacts. Accepting sadness and loss over some relationships, creates the space for new ones. In fact, having boundaries helps us attract good people in your life, who more are supportive of who we are. It is also possible to nurture close relationships with difficult relatives/family members, without getting into a drama. This is achieved through practicing disengaging, taking a distance and channeling feelings in a positive way. There is something called “healthy detachment” therapist Patrick Doyle advices.
Setting boundaries during greater challenges
It is harder to set standards and protect our boundaries at times of greater challenges: disease of the closest ones, money and addiction issues etc. In tough times, we should increase self-care, join support groups and reach out for help. Choosing our responsibilities carefully also helps in the process, as no one can do it all. It is very liberating to accept our limits, choose what we can do for others, and let God/Universe take care of the rest. Increasing self-care while taking care of a sick family member, increases our ability to cope with the challenge as well.
Respecting boundaries of others
It equally important to respect other people’s personal space and boundaries, as we want our own to be respected. Learning to channel our emotions with empathy at times when our boundaries are jeopardized, leads to better relationships, compared to simply exploding and expressing anger at the spot. We all have a responsibility to control our emotions and accept own wrong doings. Name calling, attacking and blaming others, even when we feel hurt, only furtherdeepens the conflict. Expressing anger harshly towards others is detrimental to their boundaries, and does not teach anyone a good behavior.
The anger and hurt should only serve to tell us that it is important to stand up for ourselves. The hurt should only give us the information and fuel to place and reaffirm some boundaries in respectable communication. Therefore, the challenge for all of us remains to learn how to speak in a way that is respectful towards others when we are angry or hurt, all with a noble aim of maintaining healthy relationships.
This time you are left with the task to write down all those activities/practices that help you channel negative emotions and safeguard your boundaries in a positive way.
(My list as follows: regular meditation and mindfulness practices, regular prayer. physical activity- dance, yoga and sports, visiting support groups and lectures, reading, writing blog, cooking, spending time in nature, travelling, listening to the music, enjoying arts , doing arts and crafts.